Dessert Comes A’ Knocking by Tony Deans

Tommy the Cannibal wasn’t a bad man; it wasn’t even like he ever ate anybody who mattered – at least not in his eyes. After all not even his wife and kids knew what he did whenever they used to go away to see Grandma.

He used to go out hunting on the streets of Soho and bring back either a homeless person or a whore, sit them down at the table and with one quick swoop pop their heads off with a machete. After, he used to baste the head with sunflower oil and stick it in the oven for half hour; the arms and legs were then also separated from the body and placed in plastic wrapping for de-boning later. As for the torso? Well let’s just say that Tommy made the kids pack lunches.

One day in June, Tommy sat down for dinner by himself. Sara had gone to stay at the hospital with Little Joe and had taken Frank with her. He made his excuses and promised Sara that he would fix up the shelves while she was gone. After she had left, he once again went to Soho , finding a young rent boy called Ben and brought him back to the apartment where Ben became that day’s lunch.

Just as he was about to tuck into one of Ben’s blue eyes he heard a knock at the door.

“Oh shit” exclaimed Tommy; what if his wife had come back early with the news that the doctors had discovered a Wedding ring in Little Joe’s stomach still attached to a finger? He quickly put Bens head away in the fridge and rushed to the eyehole to see who was on the other side.

He looked out to see a short black man wearing a scruffy blue suit carrying a parcel in one hand and a clipboard in the other. Tommy decided that the best thing to do was pretend that there wasn’t anybody in and walked back into the living room so that he could sit on the sofa and just wait for the man to leave.

After about ten minutes of continuous banging and the man shouting about how if-anybody-is-in-there-then-they-need-to-answer-the-door-so-they-can-recieve-their-parcel, Tommy decided to answer the door.

“Sorry mate, I was just asleep, where do I sign?”

“Mister, this parcel is a prize that you could win if you take the time to answer a short questionnaire” replied the man in a Jamaican accent.

“Not interested, sorry”. Just as Tommy was about to close the door, the man stuck his foot in the way, causing Tommy to bounce the door off him.

“Please Mister, this is a very valuable parcel, you understand? It is worth over two thousand pounds”, said the man poking his head through the door.

Tommy smiled; if this man was going to be so insistent then he could be dessert after Ben.

“Alright then come in”, Tommy opened the door and led the man to the living room sitting him down near the television, facing away from the kitchen.

“First question Mister, what is your name?”

“My name is Sam Jacovitz, what’s yours?” Tommy always gave a false name to potential dinners just in case they ever escaped.

“My name is Sansui, second question Mister Tommy; do you have a wife and family?” asked Sansui with a smile.

“Yes I do, a wife and two children, they’re away at the hospital at the moment”.

“Ah I’m very sorry to hear that Mister Tommy, third question, what is the name of the longest serving queen in the history of England ?”

“Queen Victoria ”.

“Very well done Mister Tommy, only two questions left and then you win whatever is in this parcel”, smiled Sansui, placing a hand on the parcel.

“Great”, sighed Tommy.

“Fourth question Mister Tommy, who was the first man to discover America ?” asked Sansui enthusiastically.

“Erm, Chris… Christopher Columbus” replied Tommy whilst keeping an eye on the time.

“Final question Mister Tommy, if you get this you win this parcel” smiled Sansui.

“Okay then hit me” replied Tommy thinking about what Sansui would taste like with rosemary and thyme.

“Who are the cannibal tribe of New Zealand ?”

Tommy let out a loud laugh at this question before answering.

“The Maori”.

“Correct Mister Tommy, congratulations you win the box, I must ask though what was so funny?” commented Sansui, confused as he handed the box over to Tommy who made his way to the kitchen.

“Oh you’ll find out in a minute” called out Tommy.

Tommy placed the parcel on the kitchen counter and bent down to open the cupboard containing his machete, still blood stained from the earlier decapitation of Ben.

He then re-entered the living room and Sansui became dessert.

Bio: Tony Deans is a young writer from London , UK . His first two stories have been published at All Due Respect and Thrillers, Killers and Chillers You can contact him and get links to his stories at

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