PMM’s Guide To Modern Life#1

Don’t Get Angry, Get Confusin’! By Jason Michel

“I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.” – Robert FrostOne of the best ways to combat the petty (remember “petty” comes from the French “petite” meaning small) that trample their insecurities in front of us in our already pitiful day-to-day working existence is the good ol’ Confusion Technique!

Why Jason! I hear you cry, whatever are you talking about?

Well let me illustrate through example for you …

There I was at work listening to the drone of a Yankee member of staff higher than me in the shambolic hierarchy where I work, (Mon Dieu, that fucker can drone on, get stuck in a room with him & you’ll soon be gnawing at your own limbs like a fox caught in a trap outside Boris’ house). Anyway, I digress, so he was there gibbering inanely about student reports, when suddenly there is silence.

“Are those jeans?” (They were)

“You know we’re not supposed to wear jeans”.

Then it happened, straight out of my mouth.

“These are not jeans, they just happen to look like jeans in the way that sometimes summer tends to look like autumn.”

The strange little creature in front of me blinked twice like a jelly badger & just turned around & left the room.

That, my fellow droogs, is the confusion technique.

To this day the badger still eyes my jeans with suspicion yet never says a word.

Tips for staying in a Mexico Hotel By Kip Hanson

If you’re away from home on a business trip, maybe staying in a Mexican hotel, you should always lock the door first if you’re going to lay down on the bed, think nice thoughts, and masturbate. Better yet, you should always hang the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door. This is because the maid has a key to your room, and may walk in during climax (a friend warned me about this).

Kip lives in Tucson, where Jo-Jo once lived before he left to buy some California grass. His blog is here:

http://www.misterass.com

Guerrilla Littering By Jason Michel

Bored? Nervous? Worried about the future?Try Guerrilla Littering to add a certain piquant to your life. It’s creative, fun & has a similar buzz to shoplifting, even though the most you could get a slapped wrist for was littering (or obscenity, of course).

I used to go down to the most famous & annoyingly pretentious English book shop in Paris & plant these little seeds of joy in the Dalai Lama’s autobiography or the latest Jeffrey Archer. Why go for the easy audience?

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“venereal diseases are the diseases of venus, so help us spread a little “love” into the ever more dull and greying world…”

some of the great artists and thinkers who were afflicted by the diseases of love were:
guy de maupassant
friedrich nietzsche
charles baudelaire
henri de toulouse-lautrec
paul gauguin
vladimir lenin
al capone
robert mapplethorpe
and bukowski had crabs

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what a wonderful world it would be…

imagine…

propaganda posters on the street reflecting modern life on every street corner…

what a wonderful world!

1:” watch television
“working too hard? sick of thinking?, relax, your brain works less watching television than sleeping…”

2:” go shopping!
“we have endless resources until the end of the world!”

3:” celebrities are important
“think of what YOU can achieve!”

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Remember it doesn’t have to be on plain paper. You can deface other “junk mail” with your own interesting or vile slogans or just advertise your own website. Or even add your own art. See Tim Hall’s own version on the Art page.

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How To Guide To Guerrilla Littering:

  1. If you are right handed, place your litter in the right hand pocket of your jacket. If you are left handed, in the left. It makes for an easier access & less fumbling about which is more likely to bring the attention of the ever wary shop floor workers who may not see that you are putting things in their books & think that you are, in fact, half-inching their goods.
  2. Focus in on your target area, maybe do a recon a couple of days before. As stated before, why go for the soft targets- your Palahnuik’s or Burroughs’- where chances are the readers will enjoy your sneaky activities?

Go for the New Age, Best Seller or Chick Lit section. Dammit, go for the most repugnant section you can find. It is a lot more satisfying. Really.

  1. So you have the autobiography of Mother Teresa in front you … now, reach for it with your opposite hand to the pocket you have your litter in – if your crafty delights are in your right pocket reach for the book with your left, if left, vice versa – & at the same time sneak that paper/card out of your pocket & place it under the book keeping it in place with the same hand that you took it out of your pocket with. You can do this in one swift movement.
  2. Then open the book & pretend to be interested in the story of the wizened old smug virgin, take it slowly, slowly, turning a few pages with a benign smile on your face, then swiftly slip the paper/card into the open book, shutting it as you do & move on to the next victim happily in the knowledge that you are spreading joy in an ever more dull and greying world.
  3. Why not practice beforehand using your bookshelves at home or even better at work?

2 thoughts on “PMM’s Guide To Modern Life#1”

  1. excelent idea. i’ve been dropping my cards in books whose audience might enjoy my work. If anyone asks me if I have anything at Barnes and Noble, I can say yes…

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