The Wicked Woman’s Booty by Jodi MacArthur

Episode 2: “G marks the Spot”


As the sun rose, chaos plumed from The Amazon. Men grunted. Frogslingers screamed. Swords clashed. Frogs croaked.

Aboard the Wicked Woman, the sounds of plunder would typically be music to Captain Viper’s ears, but he was tired and the racket was just annoying.

The Goddess stirred as Captain Viper double tied the rag around her head. The black scarf accented her wild green hair and covered her eyes. “One stir an ’ll slash yer throat.” He made sure the knot holding her hands behind her back.

“I doubt it, Captain Viper.”

“Shut yer filthy mouth.”

“Shut it for me.” The Goddess smiled. Her lips were curved and smooth, as was the rest of her body.

“Aarrr!” His venomous breath shot into her face. He thought of slapping her, raised his fist, bit it instead. He turned on his spiky heels to Strudel and clasped his hands behind his back. “Tell her t’ tell me where it be.”

Strudel gulped. His adam’s apple rose and fell. He hated sticky situations. And this was a sticky situation. He didn’t want to end up in the sea again. “Me Buxom Beauty, tells me Cap’n  where tis hidden or he’ll unveil t’ beast!”

“I have no interest in giving away my treasure map to a spoiled brat’s posh doughnut, and I doubt the captain’s beast is intimidating at half mass.”

Strudel blushed.

Captain Viper turned, and watched the Goddess with his one good eye. He drew his gun, cocked it, aimed it between her breasts, swore, then holstered it.

Strudel scratched his head. “What ye be doin’, Cap’n?”

“Your captain’s gun is liable to go off half cocked and shoot his beast,” said Goddess.

“Damn ye, frogwoman. Shut yer amph’bian yapper, before me shoves it down yer throat.”

Her cackle rose above the screams and groans coming from the Amazon. She quieted, then whispered, “Call me G.”

“Why?”

“I doubt you know that X doesn’t always hit the spot.”

Captain Viper’s head spun. The woman spoke funny and he hadn’t a clue of what she meant. “Marks.”

“Pardon?”

“X always be markin’ t’ spot.” He stood close. She smelled of jasmine.

“Uneducated in the ways of women, I see.”

Captain glared at G. She couldn’t see his face, but by the smirk on hers, she thought she’d won. “Strudel, get Skulker.”

“I don’t know ‘ere he be, Cap’n. No one ever knows ‘ere he be.”

Captain Viper pointed at the newest member of the crew, Abbie, a slight, quick man. “Throw Strudel overboard, an find me Skulker.”

“Aye, aye, Cap’n.”

Strudel groaned as Abbie hoisted him up and over the deck. A loud belly flop echoed from below.

Captain Viper ignored Strudel’s pleas for help. He grabbed G by her green mane and yanked her head back. Her lovely throat exposed. Tanned flesh pooled between her bosoms, causing his body to react. A rush of dizziness consumed him. “Me’s never hated a wench so much.”

“That’s not hate filling out your pants.”

“Garrr!”

A tropic wind blew in as the sun climbed higher in the sky. G’s freckles became more defined as her skin warmed.

“And Captain?” Another round of shrill screams came from The Amazon. “The noise you hear are my women taking back their ship.”

The captain removed the glass ball from the crevice where his left eye used to sit. A baby viper rose. It hissed and darted at her throat.

“What’s that?”

Finally, there was fear in her voice. “Thar be several ways we can be doin this, frog woman. Tell me ‘ere t’ map be.”

“No.”

The captain gritted his teeth, and leaned closer. He felt the viper prepare to strike.

“Cap’n Viper! Ol’ Jack found it!”

He turned and Ol’ Jack was swinging from the bow of The Amazon to the Wicked Woman. He held the scroll between his teeth.

Viper wooped along with the rest of the crew, until he realized Ol’ Jack was swinging for the dingy beside the ship.

“Dat scurvy thief be getting away wi’ our map, Cap’n!”

“Stop t’ thief!” he ordered, and drew his gun, aiming for Ol’ Jack’s heart. He cocked, aimed, fired…and missed. “Damn.”

Before he could reload, a gun cracked from the shadows of the captain’s cabin. Attached to the other end of it was Skulker.

Ol’ Jack fell into the waves.
Captain Viper ran to the side of the ship. Strudel waved the map in his hands. “No worries, me Cap’n. Tis here! Ol’ Jack be a’meetin’ Davy Jones.”

Viper nodded to Albie and Big Bob standing beside him. “Pull him up.”

“Aye, Cap’n.”

He turned to where the Goddess stood. Only – she wasn’t there. “Where be t’ wench?”

The men turned to look.

Captain Viper spotted her. She had jumped to the running boards on the side of the ship and was running along them towards The Amazon. His heart pounded as he drew his pistol. G was a thing of beauty, he regretted that she had to die. He aimed.

A cannon ball slammed into the side the Wicked Woman just as squeezed the trigger. He missed again.

G leapt from the Wicked Woman to the Amazon and cried, “Do it!”

A loud croak, like an enormous prehistoric frog, bellowed from below deck. He saw half a dozen of his crew standing on the railings of The Amazon, their hands cuffed behind their backs. Frogslingers stood beside them. Another croak, and the women drew knives, slit his men’s throats, and shoved the bodies into the sea. The Amazon set sail.

“Captain?” cried Ogre.

“Fire t’ cannons, ye blasted bastards!”

“But we be havin no men below,” said a young sprog.

Viper ripped the glass ball from his eye, grabbed the sprog by the shirt cuff. The viper coiled, ready to strike. “Then get ye arse down there.”

The young man scrambled, as did the rest of the crew.

But it was too late.

The Amazon was at full sail in a good wind before the Wicked Woman fired a shot.

Bodies of his pirates bobbing in the frothy sea outnumbered the green haired bodies two to one.

Captain Viper frowned. He felt a slight tap on his shoulder. “What be it?” He turned to a soggy, smiling Strudel.

“Tis ours, Cap’n.” And with the largest, toothless smile Viper had ever seen, Strudel let the map unscroll from his fingers. The ink was smudged and wet. A giant X at the far right of the scroll marked where the cave of Ali Baba laid. X did indeed mark the spot.

Captain Viper felt a smile tug at his mouth. “Well done, Matey.”

16 thoughts on “The Wicked Woman’s Booty by Jodi MacArthur”

  1. Worthy of Robert Louis Stevenson, this encapsulates the drama and fun of the form. Jodi, you sit naturally in this style with your swashbuckling way with words and your subtle and understated humour.

  2. The innuendos in this piece are marvelous! Great flow, voice, and the action is fully gripping. The more I read it, the easier the slang rolls, and I can nearly hear the voices of your characters, not to mention see them also.
    Greatness herewith, Jodi!

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