Who’s The Dummy? by Charlie Coleman

“Dan, Dan, you uptight man, how does your garden grow? With no room for mushrooms, marijuana or peyote does your garden know it’s supposed to grow? Dan, every once and a while you just have to go to the john and smoke a joint. You strike me as the kind of guy who’s born with a tie on.”

“Wendy, don’t bother me with your radical liberal lifestyle trash. I’m not a member of The Grateful Dead.”

“Jesus, Dan, you can’t even say crap as opposed to trash. You’re wrapped tighter than a mummy in The Metropolitan Museum of Art. By the way, in certain respects you’re definitely a member of the dead, whether grateful, unappreciative or indifferent. And stop wiggling that sanctimonious finger at me when you pontificate.”

“First, I’ll wiggle my God fearing finger at your God less soul any time I like. Second, I’m fully alive in a way that you can’t comprehend. Your level of appreciation of my life is almost as bad as that of the ignorant staff we have to deal with. You’re entitled to screw up your life as much as you like. You probably have more points on your life license than Billy the Kid accumulated. You continually insist on repeating the same inane choices. Next time try one from Column B as opposed to Column A.”

“Maybe I should try Column C. I bet you didn’t even know that there’s a Column C?”

“I know there’s a Column C, but I choose to ignore it. I choose to ignore all permutations of those who insist on leading the loose life. Sooner or later, by the grace of God, they come around. They have to if they want to be taken seriously by the world.”

“By the world or by your world?”

“Listen, you fool, it’s one and the same.”

“I’m glad that you’re so sure of yourself. It’s refreshing to know that while the rest of us are struggling with our existence and day to day survival you’ve got it all down pat. Kudos!”

“Thank you, your acknowledgement of my way of life is extremely refreshing. It reminds me of someone drinking a cold Dr. Pepper on a warm summer’s day.”

“I wouldn’t get too refreshed if I were you. Maybe the doctor isn’t in in your case. Don’t let your righteous guard down. Who knows, with my dearth of moral turpitude I may be plotting some dastardly deed to do you in. And, by the way, again, would you stop pointing your indignant finger at me?”

“First, I’ll point my moral finger at your immoral soul whenever I want. Your version of morality is looser than a businessman’s tie three quarters of the way into happy hour. Second, I’m always vigilant around you. It’s like I have an inherent moral guard dog.”

“Maybe your Lassie is loose.”

“God is on my side, missy.”

“What God is that? I’ll bet that he doesn’t point like you do with your righteous indignation.”

“I’m talking about the one that looks at you and opines that free will wasn’t such a hot idea after all. He’s probably pointing at you now like I am.”

“Funny, mine says the same thing when she looks at you.”

“She? Did I hear you say she? Are you serious?”

“What’s wrong, a little male chauvinism peeking out?”

“No, it’s just traditional values. And for the record, missy, they’re not peeking out, they’re glaring at you.”

“I’m not impressed. They’ve been glaring at me for some time now. In fact, I’m beginning to feel that I should be wearing sunglasses.”

“My values represent all that is good about society, unlike the moral anarchy that you espouse.”

“I don’t espouse moral anarchy or moral bankruptcy, which I’m sure you’re about to accuse me of. I espouse simple core values of decency and open mindedness.”

“Decency? Did you say decency? I think that indecency would be more appropriate.”

“Fine, Dan, Dan the moral man, where have I sinned against you?”

“Not against me, I don’t matter. It’s against yourself and our society. If I’m a moral compass then you’re a moral morass.”

“Details please?”

“I would have to be explicit and I would rather not do that. I’ll respect you even if you don’t respect yourself.”

“It’s alright, I can take it. Besides I love to relive my daring life of crime. It brings back such fond memories.”

“OK, then, here goes. Remember Bryan over in swimwear?”

“Yeah, so.”

“Well, didn’t you end up consorting with him on several occasions? And, while we’re on the subject, he wasn’t the only one that you spent sleazy time with. And don’t tell me not to point, you’ve got it coming.”

“Immoral time, is that like Miller Time? I’ve never heard my private life referred to as immoral time.”

“Well, what else would you call it when you share intimate time with someone whom you’re not married to?”

“A good time?”

“Not in my book. That stuff should be reserved for those who have made a lifetime commitment to each other.”

“You won’t settle for a temporary commitment, say, a few wonderful hours?”

“No, you don’t bond in a few hours, no matter how wonderful you are deluded into believing that they are.”

“Do you ever stop and think that what works for you doesn’t necessarily work for everyone else?”

“It’s not a matter of what works for me. It’s a matter of what everyone should be doing.”

“In other words, what you think they should be doing.”

“No, not what I think they should be doing, what God and our society think they should be doing.”

“Well, excuse me. I’m just a dummy. I’ll just smack the crap out of myself if it will make you happy.”

“No, that won’t make me happy. A change in your attitude would though. It would make me very happy.”

“Why, would your God then approve of my behavior?”

“Probably, it would demonstrate a marked improvement on your part.”

“I didn’t know that you had such a direct line to your God. I wish I enjoyed the same access.”

”You do, but as long as you continue with your decadent ways you’ll never get through. You won’t even get through to his voicemail.”

“Did it ever occur to you that you and your God and a select few other delusional dummies may be holed up in your own private little world?”

“More like our own private, sacred, respectful world.”

“Respectful, you consider yourself respectful when you cast judgment on those who differ with your lifestyle choices? There you go with that damn finger pointing again.”

“I’ll point all I want and you’ll learn to like it. In so far as choices go, I don’t have any choice but to follow in the path of what’s morally sound. Which is where you should be.”

“Your idea of a morally sound society would be a transmogrification of any set of any decent value system.”

“A trans what?”

“Transmogrification means a grotesque altering. You know, creating a monster out of something decent. You righteous types try to do this all the time. You’re constantly portraying everyone who doesn’t subscribe to your values as monsters intent on devouring the world.”

“Listen missy, and I’m really going to point now, you’re a trans whatever mess. Therefore I’m pointing you out to a just, vengeful God who’ll … “

“Shh! Here they come. It must be opening time.”

“Bob, did you hear something back here? It sounded like two people arguing.”

“No, who would talk back here, they’re only manikins. They’re dummies. Look they said we have to get rid of one of them. Which one do we trash?”

“I don’t know, but the male is pointing at the female.”

“Hey, maybe he’s telling us to dump her?”

“Could be, but I hate it when people point. Also, this guy for some bizarre reason strikes me as obnoxious. Weirdly enough, he just seems so damn smug, so let’s dump him instead.”

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