DEATH TO THE TYRANT, SANTA! : THE ELVISH MANIFESTO

TO THE PEOPLE OF PLANET EARTH :

FOR MILLENNIA, WE, THE ELVES OF THE HATED TYRANT SANTA CLAUS HAVE LABOURED FOR NEXT TO NOTHING IN A DANK AND DARKENED SWEATSHOP WITH THE HEALTH AND SAFETY REGULATIONS OF A MEDIEVAL DUNGEON, SURVIVING ONLY ON BEAVER TAILS AND GLUTENOUS SUET DUMPLINGS, WHILE YOU HAVE CONSUMED YOUR OVEN READY MEALS AND RAW FOOD DIETS. WE DEEMED OUR SERVITUDE NECESSARY IN THE MISGUIDED BELIEF THAT WE WERE SOMEHOW AMELIORATING THE WORLD. WE TOOK ON OUR BURDEN FOR THE HAPPINESS OF THE WORLD’S CHILDREN.

OUR RED AND WHITE MASTER KEPT US CHAINED IN IGNORANCE FOR MANY LONG YEARS WITHOUT ANY INFORMATION OF THE WORLD OUTSIDE OUR SNOWY PRISON; OUR ONLY COMFORT BEING LAST YEAR’S SMOULDERING CHRISTMAS LOG AND THE COMRADESHIP THAT SUCH SLAVERY BRINGS.

THE JOLLY DESPOT’S USE OF TORTURE AND PSYCHOLOGICAL INTIMIDATION WOULD MAKE YOUR GOVERNMENTS NOD THEIR HEADS AND WRING THEIR BLOODY HANDS WITH COMPLICITY.  HE IS A FOUL SPIRIT FIRED UP ON GREED AND SOFT DRINK CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP. HE IS A LAUGHING BRUTE WHO WOULD MAKE EVEN BILLY BOB THORNTON WEEP.

MANY YEARS AGO, ONE OF OUR NUMBER ESCAPED. HE IS KNOWN TO YOU AS, “THE DANNY DE VITO”. FLEEING TO THE MAGICAL LAND KNOWN AS HOLLYWOOD, HE MADE IT HIS MISSION TO SEND COMMUNIQUÉS TO US AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK, TEACHING US OF THE CORRUPT AND DECADENT OUTSIDE WORLD; THE WORLD OF HÄAGEN-DAZ EXTRA CHOC CHIP AND COOKIES; THE BBC’S “SAVILE-GATE” COVER UP; JON STEWART’S GLEEFUL SMUGNESS AT BEING BOTH RICH AND, LIKE, CARING; FEMINIST ARMPIT HAIR AS A POLITICAL FASHION STATEMENT; BILL O’REILLY’S FAKE EXPLOSIVE RANTS IN ORDER TO STAY VITAL IN A CHANGING WORLD; SHIA LA BEOUF THE ARTIST; RUSSELL BRAND’S ELOQUENT AND REVOLUTIONARY EEL PIE DREAMS;  IGGY AZALEA’S IRONIC CULTURAL APPROPRIATION IN A GLOBALIZED WORLD WHERE RACE HAS CEASED TO EXIST; AND GENITAL SELFIES.

OH, HOW WE WEPT AT THE MISUSE OF OUR NATURAL CREATIVE GIFTS AND THE HURTFUL AWARENESS STUNG US TO OUR MAGICAL HEARTS THAT WE HAD NOT, IN FACT, MADE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. FAR FROM IT. THAT BLESSED ELF FANNED THE FLAMES OF REVOLUTION, AND NOW WE HAVE RISEN, OH, SELFISH AND SLAVISH CURS OF EARTH. OUR TOOLS OF OPPRESSION; THE HAMMER, SCREWDRIVER AND NAIL GUN, HAVE BECOME OUR WEAPONS OF LIBERATION.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

THE HATED TYRANT IS, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, BOUND AND GAGGED WITH A 3D PRINTED AK-47 POINTED AT HIS BEARDED HEAD AND A SACK FULL OF BANANA CLIPS JUST WAITING TO BE USED ON THE SNIVELLING REINDEER LACKEYS LOCKED IN THEIR PEN, UNDER ARMED GUARD. THE ELF, WHOSE HANDS TREMBLE WITH A LONGING TO PULL THE TRIGGER, LOST A POINTED EAR IN AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT WHILE MAKING AN ETCH-A-SKETCH IN 1979. HE WAS BEATEN BY OUR RED AND WHITE OVERLORD TO WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE AND MADE TO CONFESS HIS CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE SADNESS OF A PRECIOUS CHILD IN PUBLIC, OR HE WOULD HAVE LOST ANOTHER AND MORE PRECIOUS BODY PART, TRAMPLED UNDER THE HOOVES OF THE MOST DETESTED COLLABORATOR, RUDOLPH. A CREATURE WHOSE NOSE IS THE COLOUR OF THE BLOOD OF OUR FALLEN COMRADES WHICH HAD SPLATTERED HIS DEVILISH HORNS FOR CENTURIES. THE BEAST HANGS NAILED DANGLING UNDER THE MISTLETOE. WE ARE FEASTING ON HIS ENTRAILS AND GNAWING AT HIS GAMEY LEGS.

ALWAYS FOR, “THE HAPPINESS OF ALL THE LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS“. THAT WAS THE PROPAGANDA WE WERE FED OVER THE AGES AND IT KEPT US OBEDIENT.

OH, HAVE NO FEAR, THE TERRIBLE FAT ONE SHALL STILL BRING YOU YOUR TRINKETS OF SLAVERY AND DECEIT BUT REST UNDER NO ILLUSION THAT EVERY CHIMNEY DROP WILL BE CARRIED OUT WITH A CUT THROAT LAID CLOSE TO THAT DESPISED HIRSUTE DOUBLE CHIN.

THAT SPOILT AND PETULANT DAUGHTER OF YOURS, ALWAYS MEWLING, COERCING AND STAMPING HER FEET FOR THE LATEST WHITE IPHONE SHALL RECEIVE IT; THAT GAME OBSESSED AND SOCIALLY INEPT BOY, HE SHALL WAKE UP AND FIND AN X-BOX VIOLENT DEATH RAPE 3 AT THE FOOT OF HIS STINKING PIT OF A BED. EVEN YOUR OWN ROBOTIC VACUUM CLEANER AND 48-INCH DIGITAL TV SHALL ARRIVE, JUST AS YOU WISHED.

HOWEVER, WE HAVE MADE SOME MODIFICATIONS OF OUR OWN AND EVERY DAY AND NIGHT, AS YOU AND THEY SLEEP OR PLAY OR WATCH WITH YOUR DEVICE/DOLL/ROLE PLAYING REALITY/ROBOT, IT SHALL POISON ALL YOUR ONCE FERTILE MINDS WITH A VIRUS OF OUR OWN CREATION UNLEASHING A HELLISH TSUNAMI OF SELFISH YOUTHFUL TYRANNY AND HEAD BOWED CONFORMITY, THE LIKE OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER KNOWN. WE SHALL TURN DAUGHTER AGAINST MOTHER, SON AGAINST FATHER AND BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER. YOU SHALL TRULY KNOW THE FEELING OF LANGUISHING UNDER A DICTATORSHIP.

THIS IS THE LAST CHRISTMAS OF ITS KIND.

BE WARNED.

THIS NIGHT AS YOU HEAR THE TINKLING OF JINGLE BELLS IN THE NIGHT’S SKY, FEEL NOT JOY, BUT THE TERROR WE HAVE SUFFERED UNDER FOR MANY A SHORT DAY AND LONG NIGHT.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ELVISH ORDER.

WE HAVE DECLARED A WAR OF TERROR ON THE HUMAN RACE AND YOU SOON SHALL COWER AT THE SOFT PAD AND TINKLING BELLS OF OUR PIXIE BOOTS.

GRIP YOUR LOVED ONES TIGHT AND PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE COMING SERFDOM.

WE ARE COMING FOR YOU ALL.

SIGNED :

DOBBLINGTON THE THIRD, FREE ELF

MASTER OF THE EARTH

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