THE FOLLOWING IS FROM THE BOOK CHARLIE SHEEN, TROLL AVENGER, by Matt Dukes Jordan with art by various artists including the author. It will be released as an eBook in June, 2011 (soon). It contains essays on the rise of Trolls, Sheen’s life story, his celebrity, and much more, including a long excerpt from a science-fiction novel about Sheen. Here is a short excerpt.
Dark clouds gathered on that dark cool day. A brisk wind stirred the fur on Sheen’s hat. He looked down from a higher mountain at the partially disguised false mountain that contained TrollHaven, a fortified biodome containing 20 megamansions as well as extensive life-support systems. It was located at the edge of an abandoned mining town called Rogers Peak, located in the Rocky mountains in WesternLands, McMerica.
What used to be called the U.S.A. was now a corporation-run nation created in the mid- 2020s, as things really unraveled on Earth — famines, superbug diseases, eco-disaster-caused mass migrations of upwards of one billion people, rising sea levels, etc etc.
The trolls were preparing for the AfterLife — not in heaven, but on Earth. It was a fast-approaching time of total ecological breakdown caused by the Troll’s exploitation-based policies that destroyed the Earth’s life support system.
To save themselves the Trolls had built a world-spanning system of hundreds of fortified smart biomes, each entirely self-contained and self-sufficient. They had their own enclosed clean air, water, food production, robotic industry, power sources, educational systems, medical facilities, support staff, cyborg security force, advanced intelligence in the form of three independent sentient computer networks, advanced weaponry, and much more. And the Trolls were kidnapping the best minds on Earth and keeping them as prisoners– so they would have smartness on their side as the poop totally and finally flew into the fan on a global scale.
Sheen was with a small crew of Gnarly Gnarlingtons — one of a several groups of ninja-warlocks who were working with Sheen to save the planet. Their mission: free Abigail Lightseed and Alexander Zorib, both kidnapped scientists.
Lightseed was one of the world’s leading bioengineers, a woman who had a formula for a new biofriendly life form that could gobble up tons of carbon in the air and water and help restore the ecological balance of the planet. However, the Trolls had captured her from her lab in Berkeley and were forcing her to help them ensure their survival in the fortified biodomes. Zorib, also a top bioengineer, was close to completing work on what he called the “Jesus gene,” a new synthetic gene which could transform human nature around the planet.
Charlie had gotten up at dawn to study the movements of the UberBots — cyborg warrior Troll-protecting soldiers who lived in a small walled town on the edges of TrollHaven. They were promised protection and access to the InnerDome if the poop got too heavy outside. Of course the Trolls had no intention of letting the UberBots into their precious realm, but the UberBot soldiers were gullible and obeyed authority without question.
Sheen had gone into the town the day before. It was risky but he wanted to do the recon himself in the old mining town…. He saw things that were freaky … A hole the ground that went for miles where copper had been taken out of the Earth… Vast rubbish heaps…. pawn shops with brass knuckles in the dusty windows… decaying dance parlors and penny arcades from another era…novelty shops with false noses and teeth…. McMuffalata strip clubs…. Christ of the Higher Baptism of War churches…. the abandoned railroad station covered with graffiti… a museum of actual tattoos on shrunken heads and limbs… Creepy Spider House, a restaurant that served only bugs…. brass spittoons filled with silver coins that acted as tip jars in fish and chip joints… frozen superfurry rats embedded in blocks of clear ice…
In a dark alley one of the UberBots recognized Sheen despite the elaborate disguise that made him look like Abe Lincoln. The UberBot flew through the air in attack, spinning in a series of somersaults toward Sheen… At the last moment Sheen noticed him and whipped out a Ninja sword and pulled his body back and went into a crouch, holding the sword so that the Uberbot landed on it in mid-air. The bot exploded and then dissolved, giving off the rancid odor of a camel’s bung hair the day after eating a garlic mystery meat burrito surprise at TacoHell, a popular fast-food joint in HellTown…. (aka Roger’s Peak)…
“Close call,” Sheen said.
Just then another UberBot appeared behind Sheen. “I’ve got you in the sights of my laser pistol, you slimebag spy.”
“Ouuu, I’m scared,” Sheen said.
“You gonna call your mama for help?” the UberBot asked in a malicious mocking snarl.
“I think I will,” Sheen said. Using a coded shamanistic incantation, Sheen said, “Oh, Mama, can this really be the end, to be stuck inside of TrollHaven with the UberBot blues again?”
The Earth heard Sheen’s call and a hole opened in the ground and before he knew what was happened the UberBot was swallowed up, crushed, and digested.
“Thank you, Mother Earth,” Sheen said, “Thank you.”
Years spent with shamans in the headwaters of the Amazon had given Sheen super powers. He stroked the false Lincoln moustache he was wearing. “Getting hot in this burg. Better split.”
Then he heard the cries. “Rape! Help me!”
A young woman was being assaulted by a horny Uberbot FlatulenceCanon operator. It was holding the woman against the wall of an old red-brick building, holding her high above him and grinning with a snarling fang-filled grimace of evil intent.
Sheen formed a ball with his body and rolled across the ground until he was underneath the UberBot’s legs. He fired five rounds from a Colt .45 into the UberBot’s crotch and rolled away. The UberBot dissolved into a puddle of TacoHell fumes…. The woman escaped….
And now it was the next day…. shortly after dawn….
Hairball, one of the Gnarlingtons, said, “CharlieDood, how can we fight them? There are too many.”
Sheen smiled. “Art of War. ‘Build them a golden bridge to retreat across.'”
Hairball: “Cool. We scare them, make them leave?”
“When a cat smells the wind, it hears the secrets of seven mysteries,” Sheen said.
Suddenly the two men saw that twenty UberBots had emerged like Abominable Snowmen from a snowbank far below and were trudging uphill like unstoppable zombies toward the Gnarly Gnarlington’s base camp.
“Dood, they discovered us,” said Hairball. “What do we do? Build them a golden bridge?”
“No, we send them an avalanche,” Sheen said.
Using powerful psychokenetic powers, Sheen moved a massive sheaf of snow from its resting place so it began to slide down the mountain, gathering more snow as it went. The UberBots screamed as they were crushed by the tsunami of snow hitting them.
“No more problems with them,” Sheen said. “Winning!”
To see a semi-surrealist film by Matt Dukes Jordan, watch Doppleganger — here:
MDJ has just published his spanking new book ” Weirdo Noir” here:
For some more of MDJ writing & other palaver check out some links:http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,books/products_id,4886/title,Weirdo-Deluxe/